Adventure, 2 hours, PG-13, so unbelievably fucked up I can't grade it.

The problem with this fucking film is that it's really two movies: the first half is by Spielberg, and the second half is by Lucas. It's like going out on a date with the hottest of your old girlfriends you still pine for, only to find out she now has a watersports fetish and she wants to take you back to her place so the two of you can roll around in piss. Fuck you, Lucas. And fuck you, Spielberg, for not warning us. Bastards.

The first thing you notice about this film is that it has a new vibe. And it's good. It sets up a contrast between the Jones you remember and the Jones you're about to meet. Everyone has to grow up, including Indy. He's smarter, a little more grizzly, and a whole lot less fearless. It's all good.

Shia is good. You instantly understand that he's a one trick actor, but fortunyately™ that trick will take him pretty far. Marion is good and gets more useful time here than she did in Raiders. Kate as Spalko is just ... weird. Winstone as Mac is a total throwaway character. I don't know why he was there. Hurt as Oxley is totally misused as a colleague gone utterly mad.

The first half of the film is fun to witness and get into. I laughed out loud four times. Spielberg and Koepp (screenwriter) maintain the humor. Instead of 1930's exotic locations, you get 1950's americana. You might think this is bad but it fits nicely with the Jones contrast theme. It works.

Spoilers from here on down

The second half of the film happens when Spalko tells Jones WTF is going on: the crystal skull is alien, oh and it has psychic powers that reveal themselves to Indy, who is then psychically linked to Oxley and can translate his mad ravings. You heard me fucking right, ladies and gentlemen. Remember From Dusk Till Dawn when it goes from being a cool crime escape caper to a batshit vampire flick? Same thing here. But less lube.

From there, it gets stupid. Unlike the first three films where you're left to ruminate on clues for a time before you have to solve them (out-of-order plot reveals), clues are revealed and instantly solved here. There's no mystery revealed by reason. It's just a bunch of shit happening.

The jungle chase is the leading example of how stupid it gets. Side by side cars that parallel each other perfectly in a rugged jungle at 30mph so that Shia can have a sword fight with Spalko while straddling the cars. Bull. Shit. Then Shia gets caught up in a vine and is left behind by the cars still going 30mph. Yet, somehow, he manages to become an expert vine swinger who's so good he ends up ahead of the cars and they run back into him. BULL. SHIT. Oh, and the little howler monkeys decide to band together and help him by attacking the russians. BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.

Speaking of bullshit, let's talk about the effects for a moment. The physical effects still hold up nicely. The CGI is shit. Absolutely utter shit. And it clashes horribly. Imagine the CGI from Star Wars being used to supplement Raiders or Last Crusade. Especially for animals and bugs. No. Just no. What the goddamn hell were you thinking, guys? 20 years ago you would have bought 10,000 snakes to get the job done. Now you whip up clipshots from the movie Antz? FUCK YOU.

And, let us not ignore the final epic stroke of bullshit in the film: finding the chamber of 13 alien crystal skeletons (sans one missing skull). Seems pretty far fucking fetched, right? Not when you compare it to the scene where the skull, in range of its body, magnetically flies out of Spalko's hands on the skeleton and IT SITS UP.

Seems pretty far fucking fetched, right? Not when you compare it to the scene where the whole room starts to fall apart and rotate to reveal machinery behind the thousands years old stone covering everything while Oxley mentions that they're trans-dimensional beings while looking up into their space portal that's suddenly appeared above them.

Seems pretty far fucking fetched, right? Not when you compare it to the scene where psychic links are flying from the crystal alien skeletons eyes into Spalko's eyes, and she keeps saying "YES NOW I SEE I SEE EVERYTHING I UNDERSTAND!"

Seems pretty far fucking fetched, right? Not when you compare it to the scene where the 13 skeletons merge to form a living Alien who looks like the gimpy CGI version of the reasonably terrifying aliens in Fire In The Sky. This ET on meth gives the full blast to Spalko who can't handle it and gets vaporized into the portal.

Seems pretty far fucking fetched, right? Not when you compare it to the scene where you see Indy & crew escape from the passage up to about 150 feet higher and two football fields further away than where they were two minutes ago so they have a spectacular view of THE GIANT FUCKING FLYING SAUCER EXITING THE STONE MOUNTAIN OFF TO WHATEVER FUCKING DIMENSION LUCAS OBVIOUSLY WENT TO FIRST AND NEVER FUCKING CAME BACK FROM.

Seems pretty far fucking fetched, right? Not when you compare it to the scene where Indy & Marion get married. And get this, he kisses her just like he kissed Leia at the end of Return of the Jedi. You know that lipless, life-affirming, family-friendly smile-politely-afterward kiss where you kind of wonder if Ford isn't gay? He does it again. To Marion.

End of Spoilers

Lucas' half of the film makes no sense. Not in plot, tone, or message. I understand that Lucas wanted to do something different. But did it have to be with the Indy vehicle? Ugh. I'm so depressed. I want to put on Raiders, but seeing that and reflecting on this film will just make me even more depressed.

Something else I just realized: this film and National Treasure 2 (which I also just saw) draw from some of the same Maya/Inca/Aztec legends, although they approach them somewhat differently. While Indiana Jones had more action, National Treasure had more intelligence. Sad, but true.

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Trailer 1 (2/26)

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Trailer 2 (3/28)

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